Wednesday, May 21, 2008

"Hail to the Chief"

I’m running for President.

I’ve got about as much experience as Barack Obama, and I can find the nose on my face without staring at it in the mirror for 20 years. So, there’s absolutely no need to worry about my judgment or how I’ll handle pesky issues like Iran.

According to my high school yearbook and my blog sites, I am more popular (according to the thesaurus, you could read that as “democratic”) than Hillary Clinton…even though I’m honest…and I’m not embellishing or exaggerating or caught up in the moment or anything.

Thanks to my military experience, I can be as supportive as John McCain of the effort and troops in Iraq without feeling the need to throw my President under the bus. In John’s defense, I am informed, so I have no excuse.

Add these meager, yet defining qualities to my Christian values, fiscal conservatism, and rugged good looks; I’m a shoe in. Quick, everybody on the bandwagon.

OK, I’ll take a few questions from the floor, then I’ll announce my running mate.

“How would you address Iran?”

Well, I’m not dumb enough to pet a rabid dog. If you tell me it’s not rabid, while I’ll err on the side of caution and refrain from shooting it, I’m still going to need to see some proof before I extend my hand.

“How would you address health care?”

I don’t believe in entitlement. If others must make sacrifices for you to have something, you will have to rely on their compassion not the forceful hand of the federal government. Stealing from the alleged rich to give to the alleged poor is still stealing.

Healthcare is expensive, and it is that cost that has put it out of reach of the average citizen. If we do nothing about the cost, but then we try to extend coverage to all 270 million US citizens and 30 million unlawful extra-nationals via taxpayer contributions, we will either break the system or the bank. If we do not address those things which have raised the cost of healthcare, we are not actually addressing healthcare.

“How would you address global warming?”

Obviously, we need to be good stewards of our resources, and I would definitely address the issue within reasonable perspective, but I cannot justify setting a course for an entire nation based on unsubstantiated theories or alarmist perceptions…or Al Gore. If it can be empirically proven beyond a doubt that our actions are having a detrimental impact on our survival, drastic action would be warranted. As it stands, policy is insufficient to restrain immediate and direct threat to mankind, so it is futile to assume to curb potential or indirect effects.

Now, I intend to run with my wife as VP. I trust her with my children, so if as President I were to kick off, you bunch of miscreants would be in better hands than you deserve.

Crap, "miscreants" just shot the election for me, huh? Quick, I need a scapegoat, someone get Jeremiah Wright on the phone.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

The Real Reason

Growing up I was inundated with the politics and culture of oppression which asserted I would be continually and maliciously thwarted by...THE WHITE MAN!” (cue thunder and lightning)

One day, I was walking along with reasoning in one hand and racist conspiracy in the other. I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going; I was distracted, busy wrestling with the notion of applying myself faithfully and diligently toward a productive life in a system which would allegedly frustrate and marginalize all my obviously futile efforts. Needless to say, I tripped and fell.

As I stumbled, to my shock (quite unintentionally I assure you), I accidentally applied the reasoning in one hand to the racist conspiracy in the other. When I picked myself up, I couldn’t find the racist conspiracy anywhere, and I was covered with this kind of strange potential. It was everywhere; all over my hands and face, even in my eyes. I was soaked to the skin with it. Worse, I couldn’t move without getting it all over everything. My life would never be the same.

At first, most black folks just laughed and made fun of me, but things seemed to take a very serious turn once it was clear that I couldn’t shake the new found potential, and I no longer had my racist conspiracy. Almost without warning, ten years of hard work and clean living erupted into success. It was as if I had a disease that slowly mutated me into some sort of freak. I was ostracized and even attacked; I was an anathema, and everyday was a trial. So, I decided it was best for me to leave the city…and go off to college.

College proved to be an even greater trial when I discovered, to my dismay, that the potential wasn’t the problem, it was my reasoning.

One day in class, the professor was teaching the political theory that reasoning and racist conspiracy can be combined to form a type of Liberal Democrat. I was intrigued, because it seemed to be the answer to all my inner turmoil (and guilt). Having grown up within the black community, when I brought my reasoning to the discussion, it was like nothing the professor had ever seen. He was even further astonished when I asserted that mixing reasoning and racist conspiracy resulted in the complete annihilation of the conspiracy.

Then, the professor asked to see my racist conspiracy. When it became clear that I had no racist conspiracy, suddenly it was as if I had nothing further to offer the discussion. My life experience had no value within the discussion of Democratic politics. This thoroughly confused me since I had grown up a Democrat. Why, when I had managed to find the ever elusive "success" and knew exactly how to truly enable the black community would I suddenly have no place as a Democrat? Hmm, strange.

Anyway, I dropped out of school, because I seemed to fit there even less than I fit in the black community I had grown up in. I decided to focus on what I had come to do best, working hard. I wandered the earth working. I worked and worked and worked. I never could shake reasoning and consequently applied logic and rationale to all that I did. Success haunted me wherever I went, manifesting itself in the completion of my degree and distinguished serivce to my nation. I thought I was cursed…then I met God, and He showed me the Truth…I am blessed.

Now, I embrace the Truth. I embrace reason and logic. I test everything. Then, it happened…

God came to me through a Bush that the media constantly reported was on fire…yet he was not consumed. He commanded me to go to the Democrats and tell them….

(...wait for it…)

“Let my people go.”

Friday, May 2, 2008

Racial Divide, Courtesy of Hillary?

It seems that the voter base needed to win the Presidency cannot be won by Barack Obama, but Democrats are still contemplating giving him the job…because he’s black.

Someone call Geraldine Ferraro, I think she deserves an apology.

Is the Democratic Party’s goal to win the Presidency, or is it to pander to black voters? Granted, among Democrats pandering to black voters is an integral strategic element necessary to secure an election, but in this reversed “either, or” situation, Democrats are showing their true colors…so to speak.

According to the Washington Post, some Democrats believe “the party could suffer irreversible harm if Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton maintains her sharp line of attack against Sen. Barack Obama.” What “sharp line of attack” are they referring to? Oh, you mean the I’d-make-a-better-President-than-he-would line of attack. How dare Sen Clinton assert such things…and in an election year. Why, you’d think she wanted to be President.

Hillary Clinton’s current course will not destroy Barack Obama…per se, but it will force the Democrats to choose between being the party of the people and being the party in power. Unfortunately, in an election year that initially looked like a Democratic slam dunk, neither Hillary nor Obama seems to lead to the White House, and both threaten to disenfranchise a significant portion of the Democratic voter base. That is the racial divide Democrats fear.

This must be a Democrat’s worst affirmative action nightmare: the right candidate, the Wright candidate, or the white candidate. The choice of one is dictated by its perception as the other. Do they maintain their stranglehold on the black vote by continuing to perpetuate the irrational culture of oppression embodied in Sen. Obama, the so-called Rev Jeremiah Wright, and the “unashamedly black” flock at Trinity United Church of Christ, or do they risk alienating black voters by calling Obama’s racist kettle “black.”

Democrats cannot win without the black vote, but they cannot even compete without the white vote. At a mere 13% of the US population and typically a little over 11% of the voting population, 90% of black voters tend to vote Democrat. That means black voters represent almost a 10% Democratic lock in the popular vote. Yet, with 10% of the popular vote perpetually secured, Democrats have still failed to achieve the meager 47% of non-black voters needed to capture the election in 5 of 7 of the last Presidential elections. In the words of James E. Clyburn, “It's almost saying black people don't matter.”

He’s right.

Black voters have been segregated within the US political forum, and while distinctly separate, they are not equal. Neither party genuinely or vigorously competes for the black vote; Republicans can’t, while Democrats don’t need to. Bought with simple, divisive, populist lip service and held in place by chains of oppression, the black vote has been taken for granted, its significance limited to the sad fact that it is free to be exploited without further investment.

Hillary’s ambition threatens to pull back the veil. Shhhh, nobody tell her.